There are times as a mom when I go to bed feeling…. well, like crap. I know many of you can relate to this moment. These are after those days of short fuses, frustrated abruptness, and just too much stormy energy all around me and my girls.
It sucks.
These are the moments that nobody really warns you about. Well, actually, they do, but until you have your own kids you can’t really understand how heavy duty and heartbreaking this feeling is. It’s when you are overwhelmed or too busy. Or maybe you are stressed about money. Or maybe you are frayed to your very last nerve ending. Whatever it is, in the moment, it happens. You react. You get triggered.
You go unconscious. And it’s like mothering in the dark.
I don’t have to tell you what this does to kids. I have had to apologize a few too many times to them for a bad day. And had to try to explain that it’s not them, it’s me. And hopefully those times won’t mean TOO MANY trips to a psychologist’s couch.
But what does it mean to “go unconscious”?
Our subconscious mind, as we have discussed a few times before here on this blog, is a massive powerhouse of memory storage. This thing is a MAMMOTH. And scientists don’t even completely understand how it works. But one thing they do understand is that every single memory that is stored in your subconscious, has the ability to steer your emotional reactions to situations that are happening in the present, even if this particular memory has nothing to do with the present moment.
Are you with me here?
How scary is this! So, this means that if your teenager is being all “teenager-ey” and you are finding that you are going from zero to rage in about 30 seconds, yet your partner is not phased at all by this typical behaviour, this is a clue that your subconscious has been triggered and you are now reacting to the situation instead of responding.
See the difference? Reacting vs. Responding. Calm vs. Flipping out.
I’ll give you an example…when my oldest daughter was little, and she would play with her friends, sometimes as happens with little kids, she was left out and devastated. I felt such profound sadness, and even anger about this, it just seemed to devastate me for her. But the feeling was much deeper than that. It really broke my heart. Of course I would have been sad anyway for her, but this felt like an overreaction on my part. And it meant that I was not being strong for her in the moment and able to help her weather these times when they happened (which was not a lot, but still…) I tended to come at a place of feeling sorry for her too hard. You know what I’m saying? But why did I react this way?
Once I did a bit of digging I recalled an extremely painful thing that happened to me when I was eight and a friend from school invited me to her birthday party. They were picking me up from my house and we were going to go bowling or something. I had her present wrapped, and I even put on a pretty scarf around my neck because I was so excited to be going to her party. I waited on the doorstep for them.
And they never came.
No phone call from the parents. Nothing. No apology. No, OOPS something came up. A no-show. Needless to say I was devastated and thinking about it now I still have lingering feelings about it, darn it! Anyway, my mom called some family friends of ours and they swooped in and took me somewhere fun instead. (Thanks, Ang!) But I’ll never forget that feeling of being completely rejected. Forgotten. Worthless. I asked this person when we were in highschool what happened that day. She didn’t really have an answer. She did have her party, and she had no real explanation as to what happened. The parents probably just forgot, and if they knew would probably feel terrible about it. At least, this is what I like to think.
So, knowing this now, I can remind myself when my second daughter who is in grade two is having moments like this, though rare, happen because they just do. Now that I have excavated this painful subconscious memory and shed light on it, it no longer wields power over my parenting in this area. And what a relief!!
You will know when a similar thing like this happens to you when you find that you have overreacted completely to a situation. And as you get more and more aware of this process, you will be able to recognize it sooner and sooner until sometimes you will say in the moment, “Oh my god, this is triggering me somehow.” And you will immediately diffuse the power that your emotions are having over you.
So, how do you do this? Well, you can do a number of things to become an emotional archeologist. You can go to therapy, which I highly recommend, especially if your overreactions are causing serious emotional or physical damage to your kids or loved ones. Or you can use a tool to help pry open that strongbox of a mind where those deeply shoved memories lie. The thing is, many of our subconscious memories are attached to emotion. This is why our conscious mind has a hard time accessing them. And the emotions that are attached to that memory are kind of frozen in time. This explains why in a given moment in any situation, if we are feeling emotions that are completely overblown or not relative to what is actually happening, the reason is because this is a powerful emotional memory that is not mature, and not framed in the present context of the situation. The feelings may be similar, but not relative to what is actually happening in the present moment -hence why you get triggered.
Alrighty, now we are getting to the fun part. And when I say “fun” I mean fascinating, not as in WEEEEEE!!! Let’s dive into our painful past!! :0)
Guess what tool I am going to suggest to help you to uncover some stuff; shed light on it; and then help heal it so it no longer affects your parenting. Thaaaat’s right… THE TAROT. You can use various tools to do this, not just tarot, obviously, but I have created a spread to help you to do this. And you can do it anytime you feel that you are going down the rabbit hole. And you will. More than once.
Becoming Conscious Parent is one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids, and yourself. Being conscious means you are actually fully present in the moment, fully focused on what is actually happening in the now. Your reactions are balanced, and even, and you are not over-feeling your emotions for your children, you are able to be a sounding board; a warm embrace; a counsellor; a cheerleader; a rock. I know that you have had many interactions with your kids that are just like this, more than the other I suspect, so you know exactly how this feels. Some of my most joyous feelings are when I can be full present and my children feel truly heard and that their experiences are their own, and that they can truly feel that I am holding space for them.
Holding space. You can only do that by being fully present. You and your kids deserve this!
I created The Conscious Parent Spread just for this purpose, and it helps to uncover 
underlying issues from your own childhood that you may not even be aware are affecting your parenting from time to time. And even if you never have felt reactive or unconscious (lucky you!) this exercise is good for everybody! You do it for you and one child at a time. There is one card that represents you and a second one that represents the energy of your child. Then it goes on to discovering the specific challenge you have in parenting this child; what you are bringing from your own childhood into this relationship; what block does this create or what needs to be healed; and how can I best support him or her. I recommend giving yourself a bit of time to do this, and to write down your results. And as always, if you do your spread and are not 100% sure how to interpret what you see, you can always shoot me an email for my input, I am here to support you! And, as always, you can request a reading from me for exactly this topic, if you are not comfortable doing a spread for yourself.
You can download and print The Conscious Parent Spread right here, and I know that, at the very least, you will learn something about yourself through this process. And what you will learn will only stand to deepen and strengthen your relationship with your kids, and maybe even your parents as well.
Now go. Be well.
P.S. If you find the topic of our subconscious mind and the role it plays in our lives (which is HUGE) fascinating, Marie Forleo had a great video where she interviewed Dr. Cathy Colautt Pd.D. on how to get your subconscious mind onboard to work for you instead of against you. HOLLAH!